Style Smackdown #5 Compact CUVs

"IanZ - limited-slip indifferential" (ianz-limited) 06/03/2016 at 12:25 • Filed to: Style Smackdown

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In the 5th edition of the Style Smackdown series I will be going through Car & Driver’s segments and rating them myself. Where Car and Driver rank the respective vehicles on criteria like interior ergonomics, cornering prowess,and ride quality, I will be ranking them based on one factor: STYLE. The winner is determined using a top-secret algorithm developed by the cryogenically frozen brain of Walt Disney, and the input of a highly intoxicated panel of judges; myself, Mick Jagger, and Justin Bieber’s monkey. So with an enthusiastic chorus of meh, let the Style Smackdown begin!

I realize I placed the entries in reverse order. Oops!

Here we see the natural habitat of the cuv. A shopping mall.

#1: Kia Sportage - Look at that. A modern car with only one grille! It’s a positive breath of fresh air in an era where cars can have up to four grilles. I’m looking at you Mini Cooper S. And I just love the rest of the Sportage. The revised fascia was polarizing at first but it’s grown on me in a major way. The details in the headlight cluster are wonderful, and I’m a big fan of the quad foglights. Kia’s wheel game is on point as wheel.

See the dirt on those tires? That means ruggedness.

#2: Hyundai Tucson - While the Tucson may be more conventionally beautiful than its younger sister, it doesn’t tickle my fancy as much. I generally like what Hyundai is doing these days, and the Tucson is a very attractive car. But a big turnoff for me is that dumb line splitting the foglights/intakes. It’s needlessly busy and ugly.

Mazda’s ugliest is still pretty pretty.

#3: Mazda CX-5 - In my opinion the CX-5 is Mazda’s least attractive vehicle. I’m in no way saying that it’s an unattractive car (as evidenced by its 3rd place spot) but I feel the conventional shape of the crossover holds it back.

Straugh lines. All I see are straight Liiiiiiiiinnnnnes! If they could have made the wheels square, they would have.

#4: Volkswagen Tiguan - VW’s clean *cough*boring*cough* design language lends itself to lots of straight lines and the Tiguan has them in spades. It’s an attractive car if boring and unexciting.

Is that you, Peugeot? It’s Mitsubishi.

#5: Mitsubishi Outlander Sport - I feel very conflicted about Mitsubishi’s new corporate face, if this is even it. On one hand it’s very Peugeot-esque, and I’m all for that. But on the other it’s busy and not executed very well. The plain Outlander pulls the look off better, and even then it isn’t done super well. I give them points for trying, but they didn’t try hard enough.

#6: Ford Escape - I wish I could Escape this car. I see them everywhere and I hate it! In all fairness, it’s not bad. It’s not good either. It’s like water; it just is .

That ground clearance. Those chunky tires! Much off road. Wow.

#7: Honda CR-V - These last entries will be an exercise in meh, (except for a cameo at the end) so please stay with me. Anyway the CR-V is fine.

It’s a Toyota. What’d you expect?

#8: Toyota Rav4 - The Rav4 actually had some things about it I like? It’s got kind of a cute puppydog face in a Japanese robot kinda way. But everything else sucks... IT’S JUST SO BORING!

Hey hey hey, living like we’re Cherokees! Whatever that means. Getting run off your homeland by angry settlers i presume.

#9: Jeep Cherokee - Like a bucktoothed snake with an underbite the Cherokee rolls from the grass. You try to run but somehow you trip over the perfectly flat ground. Before you have time to scream... it is upon you.

You can’t wrangle people away from it.

#10: Jeep Wrangler -The Wrangler is classic. Classic classic classic. It’s also kinda boring! There’s really nothing wrong with the design, but it doesn’t tickle my fancy.

Yawn.

#11: Nissan Rogue - I called the Rav4 boring but this! It’s an Ambien on wheels. Driving a Nissan Rogue is actually recommended by most doctors as a cure for insomnia. Although falling asleep behind the wheel isn’t. So it’s a catch 22, as in the number of seconds you’ll last behind the wheel before nodding off.

So much performance.

#12: Chevy Equinox - I don’t know who Chevy hires to design their crossovers, but they need to be fired yesterday. They hit it out of the park with the Camaro and Corvette, and in a smaller degree the Impala, but they can’t do crossovers right.

Is it a wagon? Is it an SUV? Do i care? Nope!!!

#13: Subaru Outback - If the Outback were an animal it’d be a camel. It’s pretty funny how you can lift a wagon up an inch and a half and call it a crossover. It probably doesn’t deserve to be this low but I’m so completely ambivalent about it that I can’t really put it any higher.

Why can Japan not style cars? It wasn’t always this way. Toyota made the most beautiful car in the world back in the 60's - the 2000GT.

#14: Subaru Forester - It’s like someone took a Forester and stabbed it repeatedly in the face with a butcher knife. I’m just waiting for its maw to open and swallow me whole. Eeugh.

It’s... it’s just so bad.

#15: GMC Terrain - GMC? GMC. GMC stahp. You’ve got a grille like a Gillette and a mustache like a chromed Frenchman. You’ve got round wheels in four square holes and a face only a parrotfish could love. Whai GMC? Whai?

Oh God. I think I’m gonna vomit.

#16: Honda Crosstour - Honda doesn’t technically sell the Crosstour anymore, but I wanted to write some mean things about it, so wth. The Honda Crosstour is the BMW X6 of wagons - the urinal of cars. If the Accord is Esmerelda, the Crosstour is her Quasimodo. It’s the ET video game on wheels. As Arnold Shwarzenegger said, “It’s not... yeah it is a tumor!” Are we done here? I think we’re done. I’m glad you’re dead Crosstour. And I hope you burn in Hell!

Ash78, voting early and often > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 12:29

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I don't think my version of this list would have differed by more than 1-2 notches on any car. Well done!

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 12:40

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I like the VW first, then the GMC. If the GMC had a black grille it would easily win. Also, dat side profile.

Funktheduck > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 12:45

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I wouldn't agree with all of these being compact CUVs but overall I agree.

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 12:46

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Question - Is the new Sportage just a bloated then melted Forte? That was my first thought when I saw my first one yesterday.

LongbowMkII > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 12:49

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I kind of want a cross tour now.

not for canada - australian in disguise > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 12:54

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Switch the Mazda with the Forester and the Tiguan with the Outback and I agree.

Vítor > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 12:56

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It’s a shame that the US doesn't get Renault and PSA. They are kicking asses recently when it comes to design.

OPPOsaurus WRX > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 13:00

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what about thius guy?

I know its just a fancy Escape but it looks sooo much better. and just as they were getting the split grill down too.

IanZ - limited-slip indifferential > LongbowMkII 06/03/2016 at 13:07

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Blasphemy!

IanZ - limited-slip indifferential > OPPOsaurus WRX 06/03/2016 at 13:08

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The MKC? Is pretty gorgeous. It’s classified as a luxury crossover, so that’ll be coming soon. I’m already feeling nostalgic about the split grille design.

IanZ - limited-slip indifferential > Vítor 06/03/2016 at 13:11

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I wish Peugeot/Citroen/Renault would ditch their dumb plan to go into ride-sharing and just come over in full force.

RT > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 13:18

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My rankings, from best to worst styling in my opinion…

CX-5

Tiguan

Wrangler

Outback

Forester

Sorrento

Tucson

RAV4

CR-V

Escape

Outlander

Rogue

GMC Thing

Equinox

Cherokee

Numbers 1-5 I like, 6-10 are passable but boring and 11-15 I dislike.

No idea about the Crosstour, I like the clean lines but I don’t like the fact that it’s another silly “coupé SUV”.

Nice post though, it’s interesting to hear people’s thoughts on styling.

facw > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To 06/03/2016 at 13:29

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I like the VW, but the GMC is awful.

RT > Vítor 06/03/2016 at 13:33

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Just a few years ago they were making some of least attractive cars in the segment, and now they’re making all the cool stuff.

Also Cactus.

PorkchoPlissken > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 13:43

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There are some stellar metaphors and analogies in here.

PanchoVilleneuve ST > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/03/2016 at 14:08

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That tiger nose grille puts us in a weird situation where the company with arguably the best looking full range of cars is Kia. Hell, even the Sedona is one handsome fucking minivan. That’s what hiring the guy who did the original TT to define your brand’s visual identity will do for you. I really hope that Kia keeps it from now on. It can be their version of BMW’s kidneys, the Alfa shield or the Dodge crosshair. It’s such a great shape, and it’s one that maintains its looks when made wider or taller or shorter or more narrow, so it’ll grow well with future designs.

Also, my mom has an Escape, and I wouldn’t call it “compact”. The thing is enormous.

And in an unrelated note, there’s so much partsbin sharing with the Focus in the Escape’s interior that being inside of it makes me uncomfortable. I recognize like everything in it, but it’s all in the wrong place. And driving it is a strange experience, since it has the same engine as my ST, and the different tune combined with the slushbox/500 extra pounds it’s lugging around makes it feel like I’m driving my Focus, only it’s broken.

Wobbles the Mind > LongbowMkII 06/03/2016 at 14:37

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No, you kind of want an Acura ZDX right now.

LongbowMkII > Wobbles the Mind 06/03/2016 at 16:20

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Nah. An MDX with all the room and even less style as a CRZ.

IanZ - limited-slip indifferential > PanchoVilleneuve ST 06/03/2016 at 16:44

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The Cadenza and K900 are a bit questionable looking, but aside from them Kia’s got an impressive lineup. Spoilers: I think the Sedona is the best looking minivan today, followed by the Pacifica. I hope they keep the Tigernose grille too; it’s always frustrating when someone throws a way a really good design. CoughLincolnCough.

Vicente Esteve > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/04/2016 at 00:39

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In person the Sportage looks SO good.

In pictures I thought it was a mess, but when I saw one up close I couldn’t help but get a Cayenne-Vibe. I think it is an extremely well executed design, but it only works if you have the top of the line trim IMO.

Textured Soy Protein > IanZ - limited-slip indifferential 06/07/2016 at 19:16

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Sorry but the Sportage is fugly. It looks like a blowfish. I saw one in person and thought, “well, it’s not as bad as the photo,” but it is still not an attractive car.

IanZ - limited-slip indifferential > Textured Soy Protein 06/07/2016 at 21:02

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I see nothing wrong with that comparison, sir. Blowfish are cute. The Sportage looks best in AWD trim (the image you used is a fwd model). The different fascia is actually for better approach angles when off-roading. A useful touch that will probably never be used by 99% of its buyers, but it’s neat that Kia thought of it.